Ahhh - this one has been tugging at my heart this past week. We have been struggling through the "grey period," which if your little one is younger than 29 weeks old or you're lucky enough to not notice your kid was going through this phase, it is the time at 29/30 weeks when your little one learns distance. "Oh, cool," you say - how exciting! No, this means your kid finally realizes you are walking away from them or leaving them in their crib for nap or bedtime. For us, this has meant lots of fussy time because she needs to be in moms arms or near mom at all time. For us, this has meant 2 FULL DAYS of no naps. She has nursed to sleep for quite a while now, but this week would fight it because she knew it was time to sleep or she would fall asleep and cling onto me so it was nearly impossible to lay her down - once she was down, if this even happened, she would fuss and cry until picked up. This is not her normal.
So, let's recap, NO NAPS & fighting sleep? Yes, I lived off of coffee and crazy for several days. It was hard. Yes, the no sleep was hard, but we were clearly dealing with separation anxiety. For some reason I was not prepared for this. I struggled internally. She needed to sleep. She needed to know that I am mom & when I say it's bedtime, it's bedtime - but how was I going to do that lovingly? By the second night, I had nothing else in my tool box. For an hour and a half I thought our only option was to try "cry it out {with appropriate cuddles every so often}!" & she did end up falling asleep. But, the next night, I regretted every minute of the night before and just couldn't do it again.
Again, with nothing left in my tool box. I mean, we have such a great bed time routine in place - I just had to love on her and calm her to sleep, in my arms. By the next night, I was prepared to just hold her and love her {even though that wasn't even appealing to her - like, she wanted no one} until she conceded. We stayed in her room, rocked, nursed, rocked some more, walked around, over and over. She knew it was bedtime & knew I meant business, but I wasn't going to let her cry through it. 2 hours later - she was asleep in my arms and let me place her in her crib.
Now, don't get me wrong. Was I tired and exhausted? Absolutely. Did I have a long term plan? Nope! I was praying this "phase" was on it's way out and we would be back to normal. Was I being played? Probably. ha Oh, Probably. but I am not sure that was a fight I was ready to have. We will have plenty in the future.
So, what do I regret?
The hour and a half of crying it out? Yes. But more so, the mental game I played with myself. I told myself it was the end of the world and our nights of sleep were over. I focused so much on the negative and the hardship rather than cherishing the moments I have to nurse and rock her. The moment I chose to love her through it, it got easier. I accepted the unpredictability of it all. I wasn't grumpy and spiteful anymore. I know I will remember the hard times but I want to remember them as hard but that we pushed through with love.
I am reading the book "The No- Cry Sleep Solution by: Elizabeth Pantley. I am taking some and leaving, A LOT, but she said something that made me happy with where we are in our sleep journey as a family. "Does your babies sleep patterns work for your family? Then why do you have to adhere to what society says about infant sleep?" I need to remember this. Now, did Emily's recent sleep patterns work for us? No, but if she never goes back to sleeping through the night, am I okay with that? Yes. I am okay with a middle of the night feeding to cuddle my babe & I need to remember that I have no one to please but our little family.
Will I regret future decisions with my kid(s), yes, but I am hoping for less and less as time goes on.
Until next time, much love,
